Thursday, July 29

Technical Skill and Creativity

An Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!"

A boy thought for a while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this. "What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's the DAY sir!"

"How" the interviewer asked.

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

He was selected for IIM!

"Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while Creativity is the master of simplicity....."

12 Tips for Writing a Successful Resume

1. Position title and job description.Provide your title, plus a detailed explanation of your daily activities and measurable results. Since job titles are often misleading or their function may vary from one company to another, your resume should tell the reader exactly what you’ve done.
2. Clarity dates and places.Document your work history accurately. Don’t leave the reader guessing where you were employed, or for how long. If you’ve had overlapping jobs, find a way to pull them apart on paper, or eliminate mentioning one to avoid confusion.
3. Details.Specify some of the more technical, or involved aspects of your past work or education. Have you performed tasks of any complexity, or significance? If so, don’t be shy, give one or two-sentence description.
4. Proportion.Give appropriate attention to jobs or educational credentials according to their length, or importance to the reader. For example, if you wish to be considered for a position at a bank, don’t write one paragraph describing your current job as a loan officer, followed by three paragraphs about your high school summer job as a lifeguard!
5. Relevancy.Confine your resume to that which is job-related or clearly demonstrates a pattern of success. For example, nobody really cares that your hobby is spear fishing, or that you weigh 98 kilograms, or that you belong to an activist youth group. Concentrate on the subject matter that addresses the needs of the employer.
6. Explicitness.Leave nothing to imagination. Don’t assume the resume reader knows, for example, that Hamdard University is in Karachi, or that "C.S." stands for computer science, etc.
7. Length.You should only fill up a page or two. If you write more than two pages, it becomes evident to the reader that you are unable to organize your thoughts, and that you are trying too hard to make a good impression. If the content of your resume is strong then there is no need for more than two pages.
8. Spelling, Grammar and Punctuation.Create an error free document that represents the educated person you are (or are striving to be). Always use a spell check program or better yet, consult a professional writer.
9. Readability.Organize your thoughts in a clear, concise manner. Avoid writing in a style that is fragmented or long winded.
10. Appearance and Presentation.Don’t deviate too much from the standard resume format in order to avoid being trashed due to difficulty in reading.
11. Portray yourself as someone who is active and gets things done. Do this by beginning sentences with action verbs.
12. Use headlines.They really work. Headlines permit the reader to skim through your resume and reach the areas that they are interested in quickly.

Monday, July 26

There is always a better way...

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet.  He held up a sign which said: " I am blind, please help"

A man was walking by.  He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by will see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. Lot more people were giving money to the blind boy.

That after noon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were.

The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign  this morning?  What did you write?"

The man said, "I only wrote the truth.  I said what you said but in a different way."

What he had written was: "Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it."

Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?

But the first sign simply told people to help by putting some money in the hat. The second sign told people that they were able to enjoy the beauty of the day, but the boy could not enjoy it because he was blind.

Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

There are at least two lessons we can learn from this simple story.

The first is, "Be thankful for what you have.  Someone else has less.  Help where you can."

The second is, "Be creative, Be innovative, Think  differently THERE IS ALWAYS A  BETTER WAY!"

Quite True...

Jone's Motto:
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Terman's Law of Innovation:
If you want a team to win the high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot each.

* O'brien's Variation:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

* Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

* The Peter Principle:
In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.

* H.L.Mencken's Law:
Those who can, do. Those who cannot teach

* Martin's Extension:
Those who can't teach, administer

* Belani's Extrapolation:
Those who cannot even administer, become consultants.

* Lieberman's Law:
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

* Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

* Van Herpen's Law:
The solving of the problem lies in finding the solvers.

* Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

* Young's Law:
Great discoveries are made by mistake.

* Kin Hubbard
A good listener is usually thinking about something else

* One Anonymous Great Seer's Law :
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.

Sunday, July 25

Love and .....

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it, God had put all the human "qualities" in a  separate room.

Since all the qualities were bored they decided to play hide & seek.
"Madness" was one of the qualities and he shouted: "I want to count, I want to count!"

And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek  "Madness", all theother qualities agreed. So "Madness" leaned against a tree and started to count: "One, two,three..."

As "Madness" counted, the qualities went hiding.
"Treason" hid in a pile of garbage..  "Lie" said that it would hide under a stone, but hid at the bottomof the lake.

And Madness continued to count "... seventy nine, eighty, eighty one..."
By this time, all the qualities were already hidden except "Love ".For  stupid as "Love" is, he could not decide where to hide. And this should not surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide "Love".

"Madness": "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety  seven..."  Just when "Madness" got to one  hundred........."Love" jumped into a rose bush where he hid.

And Madness turned around and shouted: "I'm coming, I'm coming!"
As Madness turned around, "Laziness" was the first to be found, because "Laziness" was too lazy to hide. "Madness"  searched madly and found "Lie" at the bottom of the lake. One by one, Madness found them all except Love. Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love.
Envious of Love, "Envy" whispered  to "Madness" "You only  need to find Love, and Love is hiding in the rose bush."

"Madness" Jumped on the rose bush and he heard loud cry.  The thorns in the bush had pierced "Loves" eyes.
Hearing the commotion God came into the room and saw what had happened. He got very angry and  cursed "Madness" and said since "Love" has become blind because of u  ...u shall always be with him"

And so it came about that from that day on, "Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness!"

The Nine Muses

I named my blog as Muses of Life, but, I was intrested in knowing the original meaning of Muses and a search on net revealed this...

The Nine Muses are the Greek goddesses of inspiration, learning, the arts, and culture. According to Hesiod's Theogony, Zeus lay with Mnemosyne ("Memory") for nine days, and she gave birth to the Muses, who rejoice in their bright dancing places on Mount Helicon -- "nine voices united in one song." Their companions are the Graces and Desire, and their leader is Apollo, the god of music and harmony.


I am not sure now how far the title suits the blog. Now, time to rename this....

And for all those people who have been going over this blog, can u please suggest????

Thursday, July 22

Managers V/S Engineers

Group of Managers were given the assignment to measure the height  of flagpole. So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladder and tape measures.They're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures the whole thing is just a mess.An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground,lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.After the Engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer! We're looking for height and he gives the Length" 

Moral: No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in Engineers.  

Wednesday, July 21

Meeting God...

There once was a little boy who wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with cupcakes, several cans of root beer and started on his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he saw an elderly woman. She was sitting on a park bench watching the pigeons. The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed the lady looked hungry so he offered her a cupcake. She gratefully accepted and smiled at him.

Her smile was so wonderful that he wanted to see it again, so he offered a root beer as well. Once again she smiled at him. The boy was delighted!

They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling without saying a word.

As it began to grow dark, the boy realized how tired he was and wanted to go home. He got up to leave but before he had gone no more than a few steps, he turned around and ran back to the old woman, giving her a big hug. She gave him her biggest smile ever.

When the boy arrived home his Mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked, "What has made you so happy today?" He replied, "I had lunch with God." Before his mother could respond he added, "You know what? She's got the most beautiful smile in the whole world!"

Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home. Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face. He asked, "Mother, what has made you so happy today?" She replied, "I ate cupcakes in the park with God." And before her son could reply, she added, "You know, he is much yoounger than I expected."
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring; all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Take no one for granted and embrace all equally with joy!

Friday, July 16

A Touching Story....

One of the most touching and purest love story I've read in a while..

From the very beginning, girl's family objected strongly on her dating this guy, saying that it has got to do with family background, & that the girl will have to suffer for the rest of her life if she were to be with him.

Due to family's pressure, the couple quarrelled very often. Though the girl loved the guy deeply, she always asked him: "How deep is your love for me?"

As the guy is not good with his words, this often caused the girl to be very upset. With that & the family's pressure, the gal often vents her anger on him. As for him.. he only endured it in silence.

After a couple of years, the guy finally graduated & decided to further his studies overseas. Before leaving, he proposed to the gal: "I'm not very good with words. But all I know is that I love you. If you allow me, I will take care of you for the rest of my life. As for your family, I'll try my best to talk them round. Will you marry me?"

The girl agreed, & with the guy's determination, the family finally gave in & agreed to let them get married. So before he left, they got engaged.

The gal went out to the working society, whereas the guy was overseas, continuing his studies. They sent their love through emails & phone calls. Though it was hard, but both never thought of giving up.

One day, while the gal was on her way to work, she was knocked down by a car that lost control. when she woke up, she saw her parents beside her bed. She realized that she was badly injured. Seeing her mum cry, she wanted to comfort her. But she rea! lized that all that could come out of her mouth was just a sigh. she had lost her voice....

The doctor says that the impact on her brain has caused her to lose her voice. Listening to her parents' comfort, but with nothing coming out from her, she broke down. During the stay in hospital, besides silent cry.. it's still just silent cry that accompanied her. Upon reaching home, everything seems to be the same. Except for the ringing tone of the phone which pierced into her heart everytime it rang. She does not wish to let the guy know & not wanting to be a burden to him, she wrote a letter to him saying that she does not wish to wait any longer.

With that, she sent the ring back to him. In return, the guy sent millions & millions of reply and countless phonecalls.. all the gal could do besides crying is still crying.... T! he parents decided to move away, hoping that she could eventually forget everything & be happy. With a new environment, the gal learnt sign language & started a new life.

Telling herself everyday that she must forget the guy. One day, her friend came & told her that he's back. She asked her friend not to let him know what happened to her. Since then, there wasn't anymore news of him.

A year has passed & her friend came with an envelope, containing an invitation card for the guy's wedding. The gal was shattered. When she opened the letter, she saw her name on it instead. When she was about to ask her friend what was going on, she saw the guy standing in front of her....

He used sign language to tell her, "I've spent a year to learn sign language. Just to let you know that I've not forgotten our promise. Let me have the! chance to be your voice. I Love You." With that, he slipped the ring back into her finger. The gal finally smiled......

Treat every relationship as if it's the last one, then you'll know how to Give.

Treat every moment as if it's the last day, then you'll know how to Treasure.

Treasure what you have right now, or else you may regret one day...

Teenager and ...

Hey, got the below text through a mail and thoght of posting it ehre. No offence meant.

Hi group,got this file from a friend,i find it so interesting ,so let me share it to all teenagers out there ..NO OFFENSE ok :) just enjoy reading it...For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom.

Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.

When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned....

Anagrams - Some wonders

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters:

Dormitory .................................. Dirty Room
Evangelist................................. Evil's Agent
Desperation.............................. A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code..................... Here Come Dots
Slot Machines......................... Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity................................ Is No Amity
Mother-in-law..........................Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms........................ Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness......................... Genuine Class
Semolina................................... Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries......... Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point...................... I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes.................... That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two..................... Twelve plus one
Contradiction......................... Accord not in it

Facts of life that I learnt....

1)I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
2)I've learned it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
3)I've learned that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
4)I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do but to the best you can do.
5)I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heart ache for life.
6)I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
7) I've learned that it's lot easier to react than it is difficult to think.
8)I've learned that either you control your attitude or its controls you.
9)I've learned that sometimes the people you can expectto kick you when you're down will
be the ones to help get back up.
10)I've learned that sometime when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that does'nt
give me the right to be cruel.
11)I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
12)I've learned that how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop your grief.
13)I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other . And just because they don't argue,it doesn't mean they do.
14)I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
15)I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pain.
16)I've learned that although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used.

Thursday, July 15

Frying Eggs

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling.

The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replied, "This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me..."

Some calls for TEch Support Guys

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.

Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.

When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..."

The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:

CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken -and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and it had snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows."

The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least:

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"

Saturday, July 10

Did you know...???

The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump".

If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do.

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.

If the population of China walked past you single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

A snail can sleep for three years.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The longest word in the English language in 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

The most common name in the world in Mohammed.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans eat an average of 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish is the animal with the most taste buds - 27,000.

A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish don't have brains.

The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, and can pull 30 times its own weight.

The flea can jump 350 times its body's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.

The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave it to Beaver".

In the great fire of London in 1666, half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan".

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

People Do Not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!

Only 7% of the population are lefties.

40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute...

The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

The average housefly lives for one month.

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

Eating breakfast cereals like "Fruity Pebbles" and "Cap'n Crunch" will cause your stools to come out green.

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

About 20% of all adults in the US have or have had a cockroach that called their inner ear canal HOME.

The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

Among the music catalogs that Michael Jackson owns the rights to is the South Carolina State anthem.

If all the veins in your body were laid end-to-end, you'd be dead.

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth.

Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.

If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola it would be green.

Wednesday, July 7

Quality in Life

My wife works for a CMM level5 organization.We woke up at 6 AM this morning and things got off to a pretty rough start right away. She asked me "What time is it dear?". I told her it was 5 AM on 5/05/ 2005 - to which she looked terribly worried.

"Why?? What is wrong?"

"You see, yesterday we decided to wake up at 5.30 AM and it is only 5 AM now!!"

"So what?" I asked very innocently.

"What kind of an organization do you work for? Quality is in my blood. People working in a CMM level 5 organization will tell you what implications this can have on our day and our life!!. We need to do a CAUSAL ANALYSIS for this blunder right away".

I tried to take the 'knowledge-free common-sense approach' and told her "The reason is very obvious. Power supply went off by 6 AM and the mosquitoes and the Chennai heat / moisture woke us up.. hee.. hee"

"Shut up" she said. "You people are always looking for an excuse, putting the blame on others. Why don't you take some OWNERSHIP and do something about it? OK. The power went off. Did you at least call the electricity board?"

Before I could ask what she had done about it, she shot off to the kitchen to make coffee. I went in to the kitchen with a request "Dear, I know we had decided that today was my turn to cook, but my bike has not been washed for the last 2 weeks as I was busy entertaining guests for the marriage.

Can you please cook today as I get my bike cleaned?". She gave a very considerate _expression and said "No probs! Just raise a CHANGE REQUEST in the IHMS and carry on".

"IHMS?? What IHMS ?" I asked. "Oh! You do not know this stuff. I have to teach you everything ... People working in our organization use an 'Integrated Home Management System' to organize our personal lives. You can see it in the PC in the living room. It is pretty straight forward. Even YOU can use it?

BTW, it is even web enabled and you can do this work from your office too".

I had had enough. I simply did what she said without uttering a word. As I sat to have breakfast, she brought some Idly with all the love in the world. I was pleased. "My marriage will not break after all" I thought to myself as I tasted it ... and.. it tasted terrible. I almost broke my teeth trying to take a bite... and asked her "You call this Idly?"

She put this 'I know it all' look and said "I know you people raise such issues. That is why I have a DOCUMENTED PROCEDURE to make idlys. Look .. it has even been reviewed and approved by YOUR Mom... and I have once again documented everything I did this morning... even the quantity of salt I added.. can you find anything wrong with this?" she asked... showing off all her documentation.

"I certainly cannot find anything wrong with your documentation, but can find a lot wrongs in the Idly you have made" I thought to myself and headed for work.

Hardly had I switched on my machine at work when I had to pick up the phone. "I am your wife calling and I have some big news for you". 'Not again' I thought.

"CMM people have come up with a new level. It is called level 6. Our company is planning to be level 6 certified by 06/06/2006. How great .....right??"

"Look my dear wife!" I told her. "I have news for you too. RMG has allocated me to an undisclosed project in an undisclosed location for .....err... indefinite duration..!"


"The only information I could gather was that I have to travel ALONE.."

Gender of Computer

A French teacher was explaining to her College class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. House is feminine "la maison." Pencil is masculine-"le crayon." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups - male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer) because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Tuesday, July 6

Customer, Waiter, Postmaster......

Customer Vs Waiter

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Sit down, sir,we serve anyone.

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Customer : What's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir,I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?

Customer Vs PostMaster

Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Penang in two days time?
Post Master: Well it might do.
Customer: I bet you, it won't.
Post Master: Why not?
Customer: It's addressed to Johor.

Waiter Vs Customer

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

The new Indian railway will .... No Offence Meant....

The new Indian railway will ....
1. re-introduce steam locos - to boost coal industry in Bihar.

2. dismantle the reservation system, all seats will be open to janata,no more reservations by upper cast and rich people.

3. a/c coaches will be abolished, a/c s will be auctioned in chhapra.

4. shatabdi expresses to be renamed as rabri devi express.

5. 10 new trains to be introduced from different parts of bihar to patna.

6. all double lines to be reduced to single track to cut costs - the rails, sleepers etc to be auctioned in muzzaffarpur.

7. samjhota express will run from patna to peshwar, however it will be converted to a goods train to carry fodder.

8. new maha bhoj - litti and sattu - to be served in all luxury trains - palace on wheels, deccan odyssey etc.

9. re-zoning of railways: north bihar, south bihar, north eastern bihar, central bihar, east bihar, south bihar, res! t of India - these will be new zones.

10. next of kin of all people who die in train accidents will be given a job in railways, no more rail board exam or wastage of public money.

11. any driver who dies in a train accident will not be allowed to Drive any more for public safety.

12. every village in India will have a railway station by 2007 -constructions to start soon.

13. free tickets for farmers.

14. de-electrification of major lines to save power. Local trains in Mumbai Kolkata Chennai and delhi to run on steam too.

15. special "Gaai-bhains" express for transporting domestic animals,who have been neglected by the fundamentalist govt.

16. there will be no ticket checkers in train, that shows the new govt trusts the people.

Thank you

Lalloo Parsad Yadav